A friend of mine on FB asked me for a few pointers on meditation. Here's my response:
I flunked out of meditation. The final straw was my 'happy place', which evidently everyone has to have. Also, the meditation instructor was goofy. He billed himself as some kind of guru from India, but he was actually a poseur from Pakistan.
Guru: Now, I would like everyone to go to their happy place.
Me: Oh, of course.
Guru: Bill, where is your happy place?
Me: I don't have one.
Guru: Bill, you must have a happy place. This is a place where you are happy!
Me: Look, I told you. I don't have one.
Guru: Why do you not have a happy place Bill? Everyone has a happy place!
Me: Because the cops came in and closed it down last Wednesday.
::Everyone's eyes snap open and they stop meditating::
Guru: What do you mean?
Me: What I said. The cops raided the place, and the girls got arrested and thrown in the sneezer. The bouncer too.
Guru: Bill, I... why do you do these things?
Me: Because unlike you Twinkletoes, I happen to like looking at naked women. Women are beautiful creatures. They smell nice, they don't make any demands on you, and for a few dollars they'll be nice to you.
::I rise to my feet with all the grace of a Belgian Draft Horse getting up in the morning.::
Guru: Where are you going?
Me: To find another happy place, one that serves dry martinis. Coming?
Guru: No! Alcohol is forbidden to us!
Me: Not you guru. You, the tall blonde in the corner. Ice cold gin, water back, and bar food if you're hungry. Happy hour starts in ten minutes.
Guru: You are expelled!
Me: I am happy!
Blonde: So am I!
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