Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Questions of the Universe Answered

It seems that Terry Wagner on Facebook is tearing his hair out this morning over a few simple questions.  I've decided to help him out, mainly because I am, by nature, a kind and generous person.  I'm also a little bored.



I never found out who let the dogs out...
You don't know? I am truly amazed. Samantha Fox was late for work and left the gate open.
the way to get to Sesame Street...
Take Main to the 59th Street bridge and make a right at the lamppost.
why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...
Because Google Maps are fattening.
why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"...
Psychics, vaticinators, and all manner of soothsayers, prognosticators, and prophets, are prohibited from predicting the winning numbers by order DCCXXI of the Northern Tribunal, freedom of religion notwithstanding.
why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed...
It's against the roo-wallz.
why "abbreviated" is such a long word...
The excessive length was designed to make up for the lost letters when a word is abbreviated.
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons...
Cost.
why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?...
State and Federal law.
why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to?...
The extra penny falls to the sidewalk and is retrieved by a small child, who subsequently discovers that you can't buy anything for a penny these days. Discouraged, the child grows up to be an itinerant musician.
can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?...
Of course it can, and the driver will be pulled over and fined just like anyone else driving sans passenger(s) in the car pool lane. Car pool lanes are a stupid idea anyway, and should be banned.
why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?...
Back when the alphabet was created, there was a very limited number of suitable tunes available. We had to double up, and it seemed like a logical choice.  Don't believe me?  Just try singing the alphabet to Smoke on the Water.
why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?...
I didn't. I suppose that you did, mainly because you're susceptible to suggestion.
and just what is Victoria's secret?
That's for her to know and you to find out.

...and do you really think I am this witty ??
Well, no. Not really.

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